The Twilight Zone
by Lady Bowen
Summary: Kaiba wakes up one morning only to find things aren't the same. Mokuba's plotting his revenge on Yugi, Anzu is a slut, Honda is smart, Yugi's a punk & JOUNOUCHI IS THE GAME KING! What's going on?(IMPORTANT NOTICE!)
1. KaibaPart 1

The Twilight Zone By: Elven Angel Andrea  
  
Inspired by Prince Vegeta's story 'When Everything goes Wrong'  
  
Wealthy, powerful, slightly bishonen (I think he's kind of cute), game freak Seto Kaiba awoke suddenly. He sat up in his king-sized bed & looked around. He felt like something was off today but he couldn't put his finger on it. Shrugging off the feeling, he got up to get dressed only to find something a miss in his closet.  
  
"MOKUBA!!!" He shouted. Mokuba walked into the room.  
  
"Yes?"  
  
"WHAT IS THIS!?!" Kaiba shouted. Mokuba looked in. What was once a closet full of 2,000-dollar trench coats donned with flashy accessories was now a closet full of tee shirts & jeans. Wealthy arrogant billionaires in their teens didn't where tee shirts & jeans! They wore trench coats with bracers & boots & leather with big ass duel disks on their arms that weight half a ton.  
  
"It's your clothes. What else?" Mokuba replied acting like it was the most obvious thing in the world.  
  
"Yes but.these are Wheeler's clothes!" Kaiba shouted.  
  
"Who's Wheeler?" Mokuba asked. Kaiba blinked. He had meant to say Katsuya. Why the HELL did he say Wheeler?  
  
"Ne.never mind!" He said, pulling 'The Dog's' blue tee shirt from the closet.  
  
"Whatever. I have to get to work!" Mokuba replied. "I have to plan for the next tournament so I can finally defeat Yugi." Mokuba walked away. Seto felt his eyebrow rise up in confusion. Since when did Mokuba hate Yugi? He got along with him, much to Kaiba's personal disdain. He shook his head.  
  
After getting dressed into 'The Dog's' outfit, Kaiba walked to school. (AN: Its dress down day, alright?) He still had that nagging voice in his head that something was really wrong. Walking into the classroom, he saw Yugi & the girl Anzu. He did a double take. For once Yugi was not wearing his school uniform, even on a casual occasion. He was wearing the outfit he had on when he took Anzu out. The other thing he noticed was Anzu's outfit. She wore a leopard skin tube top so low that her chest was almost hanging out, a black leather mini skirt with matching boots and gold bracers around her upper arms. 'Ok.this is really weird.' Kaiba thought staring. He blinked.  
  
"Greetings Kaiba. It's in the words of one syllable 'marvelous' conditions. Do you not have the same opinion?" said a voice. He turned around to see Hiroto Honda. Honda wasn't this smart! He hung out with Katsuya! Speaking of which where was he?  
  
"Uh.yeah." Kaiba said, confused.  
  
"You demonstrate a bereaved in your vocabulary?" Honda said. "Is something erroneous?" Kaiba sweatdropped. This was getting REALLY WEIRD "Now then I am obliged to abscond your presence, adieu!" he said, walking away. Kaiba's mouth fell to the floor and through it until it reached the first floor. His eyes widened. He shook his head. 'No! I can get past this!' He noticed Anzu walking over to him.  
  
"Kaiba, I didn't see you over there." She said. Her voice was very seductive. She wrapped her arms around him. Kaiba felt his face go crimson.  
  
"HUH?" was the only thing he could say.  
  
"I need to sate my pleasure." She said. "I'm so horny for you." She licked her lips. She took his hand & put onto her breasts. Kaiba felt steam pouring out of his ears. "Make love to me, right now." She wrapped her leg around his. "I want you 'discipline' me for beginning a bad girl."  
  
SPLORT!  
  
Kaiba's nose erupted into a fountain of blood. He fell to the ground trying to stop the flow of blood from the sexual tension he was suddenly suffering. 'What the hell is going on?! The woman I ever had feels for is Ishizu and.wait.WHERE DID THAT COME FROM?!?!?! WHY DID I THINK THAT!?!?!" Kaiba got up & ran out of the classroom. "IMPURE THOUGHTS!!! IMPURE THOUGHTS!!!" He shouted at the top of his lungs.  
  
"I declare, what's got him flustered?" Honda asked.  
  
"I think it's sexy when he runs. His ass his so tight." Anzu said. She poked her head out of the classroom door. "SHAKE IT BABY!" She shouted after him.  
  
"Fuck that fucking fucker, god-damn it." Yugi muttered under his breath. At that moment, for no other reason other then the author couldn't think of anything better to write Yami manifested physically.  
  
"I'm going to go Mind Crush the Domino Elementary School & then enslave their souls for world domination." Yami said, walking out of the room.  
  
"See you fucking later, pussy." Yugi called after him.  
  
Kaiba walked into the bathroom & splashed water onto his face.  
  
"Keep it together man! I can get though this! I know I can!" he said.  
  
"Oh is someone else there?" said a voice. Kaiba looked to see someone hiding in one of the stalls. He knew that voice.  
  
"Ryuji?" He asked.  
  
"Yeah, it's me."  
  
"Shouldn't you be with your fan club of girls?" Kaiba said leaning against the door.  
  
"Girls? They scare me. That's why I hid in here." He said. Kaiba felt a big question mark pop up over his head.  
  
"Since when?"  
  
"Since always! Not to mention I'm the ugliest kid in school."  
  
"That's ridiculous. Everyone knows what a narrow minded pretty boy you are." Kaiba replied. He heard the lock click open.  
  
"Oh really?" Otogi then opened the door. Kaiba stared at him for a few seconds & then.  
  
.He knocked the door clean off its hinges running out of the bathroom. He had his eyes covered, while charging down the hall.  
  
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! IT BURNS!!!!!!!!!!! IT BURNS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Kaiba shouted running down the hallway. "SOMEONE GOUGE OUT MY EYES!!!" He screamed before running into someone. Kaiba was knocked to the ground. He looked only to find the last thing he would ever suspect.  
  
"KATSUYA!" He shouted. Jounouchi looked down at Kaiba with that arrogant & intimidating gaze HE had perfected. It was a gaze that once scared Jounouchi but know he was using it on him! The other reason he stared & shouted was because he was wearing his Battle City outfit! "WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY OUTFIT!?!?!?!"  
  
"Your outfit? Stupid dog." Jounouchi said, tossing back his wheat blonde hair. This floored Kaiba. He dared to insult him.with his own insult?! "This was the outfit that I used to defeat Marik at Alcatrez tower. Of course it was easy. I am a superior duelist, not to mention its creator. Yet again, Kaiba's eyes widened to the size of dinner plates & his mouth dropped right to the floor.  
  
"YO! SHIT HEADS! CLEAR A MOTHER FUCKING PATH FOR THE GREATEST FUCKING DUELIST THAT'S EVER FUCKING LIVED!" Yugi shouted. Kaiba was shocked to hear such loud & violent words come from Yugi's mouth. Yami was more likely to talk that that. Kaiba stood & noticed everyone bowing down to him. Why was every one listening to him?  
  
"Great Scott, Kaiba! Bow down, mate!" shouted voice. He was dragged back to the floor by non-other then Bakura. But it was weird. His voice sounded like British & Australian.  
  
"Bakura? What's wrong with your voice."  
  
"What in bloody hell are talking about chap? Oi always speak like this." He said.  
  
"Well, why do I have to do what that runt tells me?" Kaiba asked, deciding to figure out Bakura's speech problem later.  
  
"Cricky, are you blummin' mad? Everyone knows Yugi is the toughest little bugger in Domino. He's like a rabid Dingo & Jack the Reaper combined, don't cha' know?" Kaiba had NO CLUE what kind of allegory he was supposed to draw from that but he was pissed. He had enough.  
  
"Why are you bowing down to such an insignificant duelist?" Kaiba shouted at the students. There was a collective gasp. Jounouchi glared at him then laughed.  
  
"GOD DAMN IT! LAUGH MOTHER FUCKERS!!!" Yugi shouted. All the students started laughing loudly. Jounouchi clapped his hands & they all instantly shut up.  
  
"Because I happen to have 3 copies of Exodia, 3 Blue Eyed White Dragon plus the God cards, you simple minded idiot." Jounouchi then flashed all the cards. It was true. Kaiba felt like his brain was over loaded. He couldn't function like this. He ran down the hall.  
  
"IT'S A MADHOUSE!!!! A MADHOUSE I TELL YOU!!!" He shouted.  
  
" Oh goodness, I hold optimism that Kaiba will be satisfactory sound tomorrow." Honda said. Otogi walked over to them wearing the Dog Suit; hood pulled down to hide his face.  
  
"Shit, that pussy cock sucking ass hole hasn't been his fucking self all day." Yugi said.  
  
"I impart we scrutinize his trajectory by departing in the wake of him." Honda said.  
  
"Yeah." Jounouchi said. "I need my lap dog."  
  
"I just want to make sure Kaiba's not seeing another bimbo." Anzu said.  
  
"Damn, all right, I'll fucking come with you." Yugi replied. The group left Domino after Kaiba's trail.  
  
What's going to happen next? Tune in on Tuesday & find out! 


	2. KaibaPart 2

Chapter 2: WHAT THE HFIL?!?! (The Final Insult)  
  
(Yugi: FUCKING INTERNET!!! NEVER FUCKING WORKS!!!)  
  
(EAA: I hear ya. Here's the next chapter, sorry it's late.)  
  
Kaiba walked down the street in a stupor. He couldn't believe what he had witnessed today. It made his head spin thinking about it.  
  
Yugi a bully?  
  
Ryou from another country?  
  
Otogi looking like Qusimodo?  
  
Anzu a slut?  
  
Honda smart?  
  
Jounouchi a champion Duelist?  
  
Mokuba plotting Yugi's down fall?  
  
And he still could believe what he had thought about Ishizu. What was going to happen next? In his mystified state, he didn't notice someone walking in front him. So it surprised him when they ran into each other.  
  
"Watch where you're going you baka!" said a voice. Kaiba knew that voice. It was Bakura's other personality. He turned to see & was once again surprised. He was wearing Yugi's Millennium Puzzle. Not only that but he had the Rod in one hand, the Scales in the other, The Ring, The Taku & the Anhk around his neck & The Millennium Eye was.....well, where it should be, in his left eye socket.  
  
"WHAT THE HELL!?" Kaiba shouted. "How.how.did.you get all the Items!?!" he said. Yami Bakura blinked or more so winked after all he only had one eye now.  
  
"I've always had them." He said. "It wasn't too hard to get them after all." Kaiba blinked in confusion. He should have expected this. Was he in some alternate universe? Was this some kind of illusion Shadi had put in his head? He was pondering this over when suddenly he felt someone pinch his ass from behind. He jumped & turned to see Anzu.  
  
"I couldn't help myself. You are just the hottest piece of Bishonen." She said, throwing herself on him once more. "I want to have your children."  
  
"Get off me!" He shouted, thrashing around.  
  
"HA! The fucking pussy ass bitch is afraid of this little twat!" Yugi said, laughing & pointing at the sight.  
  
"It has become visible that our delegation has located our 'beside yourself' cohort." Honda said.  
  
"Stop talking like that!" Kaiba shouted, trying to get Anzu off of him. Ryou, Jounouchi & Otogi walked over to them. Yami Bakura's face lit up.  
  
"Ryou-chan!" He shouted. He skipped over to Ryou & give him a big hug. "Oh I missed you so much, aibou." Kaiba's mouth dropped YET AGAIN! Yami Bakura HATED every living thing but now he was hugging Ryou? Calling him Aibou? That was something Yami only did with Yugi. That's when he remembered. He hadn't seen him all day. The scene was interrupted when an announcement came from one of the shops.  
  
"ATTENTION PLEASE! OUR MOST POWERFUL OVERLORD WILL NOW LIKE TO SPEAK TO THE MASSES! PLEASE HEAD TO THE NEAREST LOCATION WHERE YOU CAN SEE OUR MOST GREAT OVERLORD!"  
  
"Overlord?" Kaiba said. He knew this wasn't going to end well.  
  
"Shit, the Overlord is calling us. We better fucking move our pussy asses over to Domino Station now, mother fuckers." Yugi shouted. So the group walked over to Domino Station, dragging a confused Kaiba along. Honda was talking to Otogi about the principles of walking in words that Kaiba believed he was making up. Anzu in the mean time won't stop saying sweet nothings in his ear. Ryou & his Yami where skipping & singing as they want, arm in arm. They arrived at Domino station & over to a group of people who where bowing down. The others did like wise. Kaiba rolled his eyes & followed suit. Who was this overlord? The TV screen they sat in front of switch channels over to the 'overlord.' The expression on Kaiba's face was priceless. He was staring at Marik, donned in Pharaoh garbs.  
  
"Greetings, infidels! I, your Pharaoh Marik, am pleased at the tributes that you have donated to me. As such, I will spare your worthless lives for another month. Now then, the reason I've called all of you sub-humans together is for an important announcement. I will be coming to Domino. And be warned I better see respect from you fools. I will accept no treatment that is less then what your mighty Pharaoh deserves. See you later, ignorant mortals!" Then he left the broadcast. Kaiba stood up.  
  
"SNICE WHEN IS HE PHARAOH!?!?" He shouted.  
  
"Damn, Kaiba! Are you out of your fucking mind? That pussy bitch Marik has ALWAYS been the mother fucking Pharaoh. He's the fucking lord over this shit hole planet!" Yugi shouted. He should have expected this. Everything was backward, crazy and just plain fucked up!  
  
"I thought Yami was Pharaoh!" Kaiba shouted. The others laughed like they knew something he didn't.  
  
"Yami?" Jounouchi said. "Please! Apart from you he's the worst gamer on the planet! He has never won once! What the hell are you thinking?!" Kaiba felt like an anvil fell on him. His ultimate rival reduced to a level on novice? It was too much for him.  
  
"NNNNNNOOOOOO!!!!!!!" He shouted, running away again.  
  
"That cock sucking shit headed dike is fucking insane!" Yugi said.  
  
Kaiba ran all the way back to his mansion & slammed the door shut. Everything was going wrong! Or maybe it was him! Could it be possible that his status, his duels, everything he had was just the product of some dream & this was how the world was? He couldn't think about anything else. He decided to go for a walk to clear his mind a little. But it would have been better if he stayed inside. Kaiba walked over to the park when he saw three duelists he knew: Mako, Weevil & Rex. Kaiba blinked. Where did those names come from?  
  
"Oh look it's Kaiba!" Weevil said. Kaiba walked over to them, wondering how they had changed. "Good to see ol' boy." Great just what Kaiba needed. Another one talking sophisticated nonsense.  
  
"What are you three doing here?" He said, slightly annoyed.  
  
"I just fancied a stroll in the park. I hear you've gone off the deep end." Weevil said.  
  
"You're the one who's off the deep end!!!" Kaiba shouted, throwing his arms in the air.  
  
"There's no reason to act like that ol' chap. Have you seen Joseph around? He's simply a marvelous duelist! I was quite taken back when he & Yugi both defeated me. I'll never forget my first meeting with the little scamp."  
  
WEEVIL REPLAY MODE  
  
Weevil: Yugi, I understand that you possess the only copy of Exodia.  
  
Yugi: SHIT! You're fucking right, motherfucker! I'm the only bad ass bastard with these bitchen sweet cards! There like the most fucking rare God damn thing on the planet!  
  
Weevil: Would it be ok if I could look at those cards.  
  
Yugi: Why the fuck not? Here you fucking go, pussy!  
  
Weevil: (Looking at Exodia) I see. So these five cards summon Exodia. You know, my dear friend for a long time I couldn't find a way to defeat these amazing cards. Oh! Wait! I've just come up with a way this very moment! Say farewell Exodia!  
  
Yugi: AAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!!!! FUCK!!!! YOU FUCKER FUDGE PACKER!!!! I'M GOING TO FUCK UP YOUR MOTHERFUCKING FACE YOU DOUCHE BAG!!!!  
  
(Yugi beats the shit out of Weevil)  
  
END REPLAY MODE  
  
"Right." Kaiba said.  
  
"Any way I should get through this park in one piece." Weevil shouted. Kaiba raised his eyebrow in confusion.  
  
"He's allergic to bugs." Rex said, walking over to the two. Kaiba felt a HUGE Question mark fall over his head. "Yes! Simply detestable creatures!" Weevil shouted, jumping into Rex's arms. "Icky, icky evil bugs! I HATE THEM!"  
  
"Okay." Kaiba said slowly. "This is getting WAY out of hand."  
  
"I know how he feels." Rex said as Weevil kept crying like a little girl. "Dinosaurs scare the Bejesus out of me! They're huge! They have big teeth! I want my mommy!" Rex shouted. The two boys both screamed & ran around in circles. Kaiba glanced over to see Mako up in the tree.  
  
"What the hell are you doing up there?" Kaiba shouted.  
  
"I'm trying to get as high as I can in case it floods!" Mako said. Kaiba tilted his head. "But it's sunny out today!"  
  
"It could be a flash flood!" He said, hugging the tree trunk. "I CAN'T SWIM! I'M HYDROPHOBIC!!! AND THE FISH ARE JUST AS BAD!!!" Kaiba fell over, anime style. Then he heard Yugi singing loudly as he approached him. Kaiba sighed. He was signing 'Ten Dirty Words' by Blink182.  
  
"SHIT, PISS, FUCK, CUNT, COCKSUCKER, MOTHERFUCKER, TITS, FART, TURD & TWAT!!!"  
  
"Someone shoot me." Kaiba said under his breath.  
  
"Ah, shit! It's the pussy fagot Weevil and that damn fucker Rex too!" Yugi shouted. "Come here you little cunts!" He pulled out a big metal bat. From where? Who knows?  
  
"AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!! IT'S YUGI MUTO!!!!!!!!!!! RUN!!!!!!!!!" They shouted, running away.  
  
"COME HERE YOU PUSSIES SO I CAN FUCK YOU UP!!!!" Yugi shouted with the air of a Yami Marik laugh. He chased them down & then bashed them repeatedly just like you would if you played Grand Theft Auto. Blood was flying everywhere as Yugi laughed like a mad man. Kaiba sweatdropped & backed up from him. "MERCY IS FOR THE MOTHERFUCKING WEAK ASSHOLES!!! HAHAHAHHAHAHA!!!!!" He shouted. Yugi was drenched in body, bits of bone & some of their internal organs. Yugi spun around and tossed the bat into the tree, hitting Mako in the head. He fell out of the tree & into a 2-foot deep fountain that was right beneath him.  
  
"AAAAHHHHHH!!!!! I'M DROWNING!!!! HELP ME!!!!" Mako shouted. "I CAN'T SWIM!!!! I'M GONNA DIE!!!!!" He splashed around in the water, which he just as easily could have stood up in. Yugi laughed and then dived into the fountain to beat Mako senseless. Kaiba didn't want to stick around if Yugi decided to come after him so he ran out of the park.  
  
What's going to happen now? Tune in Saturday for the outcome! 


	3. KaibaPart 3

Chapter 3: WHAT THE HFIL?!?! (This time, it's FUCKING personal!)  
  
Kaiba was out of breath. He had been running everywhere today trying to get away from the insanity. He plopped down on a bus station bench to catch his breath. Just then he saw someone walking down the street. It was Mai. Just what he needed! More fucked alternate universe people! Would it ever end? EVER!?!  
  
"Hello Kaiba. What are doing?" Mai asked. He didn't notice it until now but she was dressed as a nun. He was ready to ask when he remembered: Alternate Universe  
  
"Resting. I've been running everywhere." He said. Mai sat down on the bench next to him. She tilted her head. "I've been having a bad day. I don't feel like walking home."  
  
"You poor thing." She said. "Here's a fifty for a cab!" Kaiba stared at her. She was giving money away? Giving to someone else?  
  
"Uh...Thank you." He said.  
  
"Well, I'm to donate my whole savings account to the local orphanage! Bye!" And with that she walked away. Kaiba blinked a few times. Why bother?  
  
Kaiba let the cab drop him off a few blocks from his house. He felt like walking again suddenly. He didn't know why. Kaiba walked down the road when he saw Esper Roba walking towards him.  
  
"Fuck." He muttered under his breath. 'Great? What am I going to do if the psychic fraud starts talking to me?'  
  
"He'll probably say that his psychic powers are quite real." Esper Roba said. Kaiba shouted in surprise.  
  
"WHA?! I DIDN'T SAY ANYTHING!!!!" Kaiba shouted.  
  
"But you thought it." Esper said.  
  
"Since when have you been psychic?" He asked. Why did he ask? He knew the answer.  
  
"Why, I was born the power of clairvoyance."  
  
"Ok! Then read my mind!" Kaiba dared.  
  
"Your thinking this is stupid." Esper said. "Now you're wondering how I knew that." He replied watching Kaiba's expression change. "Now you think I'm a fucking freak of nature am I right?"  
  
"OK! I'm thinking of num-."  
  
"156,893,672...3...4...5."  
  
"STOP THAT!" He shouted.  
  
"My aren't we up in a tiff today." Esper said, tossing his hair back.  
  
"I thought that was just a way to scare that Dog Katsuya!" Kaiba said. Esper laughed.  
  
"Don't be ridiculous! I would never use my powers on a duelist of his caliber besides; he is righteous & very selfless. He told me how Pegasus swiped his sister's soul. He went to Duelist Kingdom to get her back. Yugi went too for the prize money so he could save his grandfather's eyesight."  
  
"THAT'S NOT HOW IT HAPPENED!" Kaiba shouted. Esper didn't listen to him. "But I must say the funniest thing was when Honda went against Mai with his Fairy Deck. And then there was Anzu's duel against Mokuba. He used his three Blue Eyed White Dragons, which are SO easy to get by the way, to beat Anzu. A little shallow but not as bad as Battle City when..." Esper didn't get a chance to get another word out as Kaiba had run off already. Esper shrugged & continued on his way.  
  
"YO! ESPER!" shouted a voice. It was Yugi & his gang. "Have you fucking seen that damn fucking pussy Kaiba around?"  
  
"Why yes. He just ran off in that direction." Esper said.  
  
"We are honor-bound to you for your ministration." Honda said.  
  
"Cheerio!" Ryou said, waving as they left.  
  
Kaiba had utterly exhausted himself. He didn't know what was normal anymore. God! If he only could get somewhere were he won't be surrounded by a bunch of bi polar people. He sighed loudly and walked into a café. He sat down and rested when a waitress came over to him. It was a short girl with blonde pigtails. He winced. He knew this girl from Mokuba. He had told him, back when he was normal, that their had been a girl who waited to duel Yugi for the Blue Eyes card he'd ripped up. Her name was Rebecca if he wasn't mistaken. He hoped she was normal. Wishful thinking but nice try, Seto- chan.  
  
"What can I get for you?" she asked.  
  
"Coffee...dark and strong...aren't you a little young to be working here?" he asked. She laughed as she poured him a cup.  
  
"Funny. My husband says the same thing." She replied. Kaiba spit the coffee out as soon as he heard that. He went into a coughing fit.  
  
"Hu...husband?!?!" he exclaimed.  
  
"Yes. I got married after Yugi gave my back the Blue Eyes card." She held it up. Kaiba's mouth dropped open AGAIN! This is getting redundant. The card was in mint condition. Not even a scratch. But then again should he have been surprised.  
  
"Rebecca-darling!" called a voice. He recognized it! But...it was impossible.  
  
"NOAH-CHAN!" Rebecca shouted. Kaiba felt like someone hit him in the head with a lead pipe and now he was coming off the dizzy spell. He didn't know wither to faint, freak out or just run away like he'd been doing all day.  
  
"Noah!?!" Kaiba shouted. (I know weird huh?)  
  
"Hello, Seto-chan." He said.  
  
"What...are...you...what..." he stuttered. "I THOUGHT YOU WHERE A FUCKING COMPUTER!"  
  
"Kaiba are you feeling okay?" Noah asked, acting as if nothing had ever happened between them. Kaiba blinked a few times.  
  
"I trust that your brother will be ready for my plans on Monday?" he said.  
  
"Plans?"  
  
"I'm going to co-own Kaiba Corp. I mean, me and Mokuba already own Industrial Illusions so it just seems..."  
  
"What about Pegasus?"  
  
"Oh, he sold his company after he got married."  
  
"To who?" Kaiba asked. Noah was ready to reply but then Honda walked into the café. Kaiba glared at the boy.  
  
"Ah! Kaiba, my cherished acquaintance. My associates have been looking ubiquitously in favor of you."  
  
"CAN'T I HAVE A MOMENT OF PEACE WITHOUT HOMOS BOTHERING ME!?" Kaiba screamed, slamming his fists on the table. Everyone looked at him.  
  
"Where have you subsisted for the duration of this period?" Honda asked.  
  
"Huh? What the...what in the hell are you trying to ask me?" he asked.  
  
"You must observe, our delegation has sustained a stated of vex. Your being has been functioning in veracity madly eccentric!" Honda said. Kaiba stood up and walked out of the café, shouting about psycho 10 year olds and made up words. Honda paid for Kaiba's coffee and left.  
  
"What's Seto's problem?" Noah asked.  
  
"I don't know, darling." Rebecca replied.  
  
Kaiba walked up to the steps of his mansion later that night. As soon as he opened the door, Mokuba walked up to him.  
  
"Seto, you have people waiting for you in your office."  
  
"Who's waiting?" Seto asked, fearing the response.  
  
"That girl Ishizu!" Mokuba spat.  
  
"Ok." He said, slowly.  
  
"I'm off to work on my newest duel disk so I can kick Yugi's ass in my next tournament!" he said, stomping off. Kaiba sighed & walked upstairs. Kaiba walked to the threshold of his office & knocked on the door. He was surprised & shocked to see Yami Marik standing there. He smiled. Kaiba felt his courage shrink. What kind of torture did he have in store for him?  
  
"Greetings Mr. Kaiba. It's very nice to see you again. Please come in. We've been expecting you." He said, bowing & moving to the side. Kaiba felt his brain go blank for a few moments. YAMI MAIRK!?!?! BEING NICE!?!?! NO MIND TRAPS!?!?! NO SACARFICE TO RA!?!?! NOT EVEN AN INSUSLT!?!?!  
  
"Thank you." He said, sneaking in & away. He saw Shadi was here too as well as Ishizu & even the 'Great Pharaoh' Marik who sat crossed legged on Kaiba's desk. "What do you want?!" Kaiba shouted. "I've had enough nonsense to last me an eternity."  
  
"That's no way to act in front of your most high pharaoh, Kaiba." Marik said.  
  
"GIVE HIM A BIG HUG!" Shadi shouted. Kaiba blinked in confusion.  
  
"What?" he was then bear hugged by Shadi who swung him around and ruffled his hair before setting him down.  
  
"You got any more coffee!?" He said again, a huge smile on his face. "HYPER! HYPER! COFFEE! CAFFENIE! WHHEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!" He then run around & jumped on Kaiba's desk and shouted "STOP...IT'S HAMMER TIME! STOP! CAN'T TOUCH THIS!" Shadi then broke out into insane break dance moves. Kaiba was at a loss for words.  
  
"Moron!" Marik shouted, Yami Marik came over quickly.  
  
"Yes Master?" he asked.  
  
"Bring me a root beer. And it better be cold!" Marik said.  
  
"YES SIR!" he shouted. Kaiba collapsed into his chair. When was this day going end?  
  
"Well, I'm off to make some fresh cookies for everyone. And get the master's drink." Yami Marik said. "Tootle Lou!" He snag as he skipped out the door in a "Queer Eye for the Yugioh Guy" fashion. (Yes that was a plug in for a Fanfic in my favorites) Kaiba sat at his desk after Shadi jumped down and began to take the sofa cushions in his office. "So what is it that you want?" Marik cleared his throat.  
  
"Well, in the past I have usually taken up to staying in the most lavish hotels when I visit any city. However, I will only be in Domino for 5 days and despite my wealth, I wish not to pay for a room so...I demand residence here. I have brought my own servants so don't feel worry about being understaffed.  
  
"Fine! Whatever! I don't care anymore!" Kaiba shouted.  
  
"You seem rather uptight today." Marik said.  
  
"Well...I..." Kaiba began but then the door opened up.  
  
"Hi Everybody!" Rishid shouted. Marik jumped off the desk & tackled Rishid in a hug.  
  
"Rishid!!! You came!!! I'm so happy!!!!" Marik shouted hugging him. Kaiba was beside himself at this point. Marik wasn't nice to Rishid. No one was. He just sighed. Just then the door opened again and in the doorway was a blood soaked Yugi and his posse.  
  
"Fuck!" Kaiba moaned.  
  
REASON FOR THE ABSENCE: I lost all data on my floppy disk and that had my fanfics on it. So I've been rewriting what I lost plus I also got a new computer, a PowerBook G4! (^_^)I've been busy learning how to use Mac. I'm in college now so that has to come before my writing, unfortunately. Sorry for the delay but I have the rest of this story finished and I'll update tonight before I leave on Friday for Katsucon. I'll back on Monday and back to work. I'll try to make sure this never happens again. 


	4. KaibaPart 4

Chapter 4: What the HFIL!?! (What the FUCK took so damn long?)  
  
Kaiba saw Satan incarnated in front of him. It was 5 feet high, with an absurd hairstyle and was soaked in the blood of people.  
  
"Someone kill me." He said.  
  
"That can be arranged." Yami said, preparing to Mind Crush him. Kaiba already annoyed, kicked him in the stomach, off his desk. Yami fell to the ground. Yugi laughed loudly, hands on his hips.  
  
"Stupid fucktard!" Yugi shouted with a laugh.  
  
"Fuck you. You little puissant. I'll shove your fist down your mother fucking throat & pull it out of your fucking ass!" Yami retorted.  
  
"BRING IT BITCH!" Yugi shouted. The two then began to beat each other up in one of those cartoon clouds that pops up during a fight. Kaiba watched the two fight and roll around, knocking things over. Then he felt someone grabbing him...grabbing HIS CROUCH!!! He stood up instantly. It was Anzu again!  
  
"Nice pearls you have there, Kaiba. You got a package UPS can't deliver."  
  
"GET YOUR HANDS OFF MY NUTS YOU LITTLE SLUT!" He shouted, throwing her across the room and at Otogi, who was hiding in the corner. (AN-God I couldn't stop laughing at this part.)  
  
"What's wrong you little pussy? Afraid for a little one on one action, you chicken-shit bitch?" Yugi said, laughing.  
  
"GET BACK HERE!" Yami shouted. He tackled the shorter boy only to be thrown out the window and dragged down with him, where the two began to beat the shit out of each other. Kaiba plopped back down on the chair. Jonouchi ran over to the window and began to toss cards at Yami and Yugi in the garden below.  
  
"BREAK IT UP YOU TWO!" He shouted, chucking cards like throwing stars.  
  
"OW! OW! FUCK! SHIT! OW! DAMN IT! OUCH! STOP!" The two shouted. (Seriously, have you ever seen Kaiba when he throws cards at people? They turn into deadly assault weapons.) The two then began to walk to the mansion.  
  
" Kaiba you are becoming evident of the quintessence of disarray. What is irksome in relation to you?" Honda asked.  
  
"You for one thing! Why are you here at all?" Kaiba shouted.  
  
" Why, we anxiety-ridden for your plight of mental balance. So our assemblage expedited to audit your current state of being."  
  
"Would you stop talking like that?!"  
  
"I'm back with drinks and cookies for everyone." Yami Marik said, skipping into the office. Kaiba notice the pink apron. "Who would like some of my fresh baked cookies?" "SHIT! GIVE ME ONE OF THOSE SONS A BITCHES!" Yugi shouted, shovingYami to the side. He grabbed the cookie & ate it then spit it out. "WHAT THE FUCKING HELL IS THIS SHIT!?!?!?! FUCKING OATMEAL WITH FUCKING RASAINS!?!?!?! YOU SHITHEADED DOUCHE BAG!!!! I'LL KILL YOUR FUCKING ASS YOU GOD DAMN COCK SUCKING MOTHER FUCKER!!!!!!!!"  
  
"AH! Don't hit me!" Yami Marik shouted running away, squealing loudly. Since when was Yami Marik a crybaby? It was all so confusing! Shadi in the meantime had grabbed some cookies too. Except he was singing.  
  
"C IS FOR COOKIE! THAT'S GOOD ENOUGH FOR ME! C IS FOR COOKIE!"  
  
"I do declare, Mister Shadi is quite upbeat today, isn't he?" Ryou said. Kaiba tilt his head over at him. He was speaking in a southern accent now.  
  
"You got to be kidding me."  
  
"What's this?" Marik asked looking at his beverage.  
  
"Your root beer." Yami Marik said. Marik looked at him & then smashed the bottle over his head.  
  
"I ASKED FOR MALT LIQUOR!"  
  
"No, I'm pretty sure you said..."  
  
"YOU DARE TO TALK BACK TO ME!?!?!"  
  
"No sir!"  
  
"THEN GET BACK OUT THERE & DO WHAT I SAY!!!!!!!" Marik shouted.  
  
"HAI!!!!!" He shouted, running away. Ryou shut the door after him.  
  
"Thanks Ryou." Kaiba said. He needed get at least one of these idiots out of the office.  
  
"YOU THANKING VERY MUCH RYOU-SAN!!!" Ryou shouted. Kaiba did a double take. He was talking like an Asian in very bad translation of a kung-fu movie.  
  
"What the hell? WHY ARE YOU TALKING LIKE THAT!?!?! JAPANESE DON'T TALK LIKE THAT!!!"  
  
"OH, ME SO SORRY!" Ryou said, walking away. Kaiba's face tightened into a snarl as he dug his fingernails into the chair's arms. It took so much self- control to keep himself from freaking out and screaming at the top of his lungs.  
  
"It'll be okay, Kaiba." Ishizu said walking over to him.  
  
"I wish you had the Millennium Taku so you could have predicted this."  
  
"It won't have mattered." Marik said, still hugging Rishid. "My sister is the most dense person on the face of the planet. She can't sense anything. And she doesn't understand anything about the Items, the Pharaoh, Yami no Games...anything." Kaiba looked at her while Ishizu just smiled.  
  
"He's, like so telling the truth. I have like no rational thoughts in my head. Like totally!" "Why are you talking like a valley girl?!" Kaiba asked. His temper was REALLY being tested today.  
  
"Hello? Like, I'm such a valley girl. Dude, like what's 411 with you? Girlfriend, you know what I'm talkin' 'bout, don't cha know?" Ishizu said, walking away.  
  
"No, I don't." Kaiba said, fighting the insane urge to laugh.  
  
"FINISHED! YUGI I CHALLENGE YOU TO A DUEL!" Mokuba shouted running into the office. Kaiba jumped into the air. He never heard his brother shout so loud before.  
  
"Fine, you pussy bitch. I'll kick you fucking ass." Yugi said. "I put my Dark Magician in Attack mode!"  
  
"I summon the Blue Eyes White Dragon."  
  
"Oh yeah!? Well I play all 12 of my Raigeki's at once!" Mokuba shouted.  
  
"Fuck no! I'll fucking use all 27 of My bitch ass Ultimate BEWD to attack with the biggest fucking arsenal you ever seen! Fucking Neutron Blast!"  
  
"Neutron Blast?! NEUTRON BLAST!?!?! IT'S ULTIMATE BURST!!!!" Kaiba shouted, not caring for the moment how he could have 27 Ultimate Dragons. He noticed that Yami was standing off to the side and was very quite.  
  
"Uh Yami? How DID Yami Bakura get your Millennium Puzzle?" Kaiba asked.  
  
"What's a Millennium Puzzle?" Yami asked. Kaiba's eyes widened, his mouth dropped YET AGAIN!!!! "Can I Mind Crush you? I haven't killed anyone in the last 5 minutes!" Yami said. Kaiba blinked in surprise.  
  
"NOOOOO!!!!!!! I'LL SAVE YOU KAIBA!" Shouted Yami Marik. He tackled Kaiba to the ground. Jonouchi tossed some cards and trapped Yami to the wall.  
  
"You bastard!" Then Yami Marik stood up.  
  
"Oh I'm so sorry. Are you ok?" Yami Marik asked, helping him stand. That's when Kaiba stared at him like he was wearing a bunny suit (And that is quite a shocking site).  
  
"Did...you just...apologize?" he asked him a hoarse whisper.  
  
"Why of course. It's only the polite thing to do." He said. Kaiba looked around the office. Bakura and Ryou where snuggled on the couch. Shadi had made a fort from the cushions in the corner that Jonouchi was tossing cards at. Honda was talking to Anzu with words he was sure he was making up. Mokuba and Yugi were both dueling. He noticed that no matter how many cards they had on the field or how many they discarded the size of the deck seemed to be the same. Marik was sitting on top of Otogi, forcing him to give him a piggyback ride. Hey a Pharaoh can do what he wants.  
  
"Move faster!" Marik shouted.  
  
"Yes sir!" Otogi shouted running past Mokuba who summoned his 36 Toon Dark Magician Girls while Yugi had 52 Harpies Feather Dusters sweep away all 77 of his 'United We Stand' cards.  
  
"I play my 1,923 mother fucking Dark Magicians, you pussy!" Yugi shouted.  
  
"Oh yeah! I play all 280 of my Swords of Revealing Light!" Mokuba shouted. Kaiba felt a vein appear on his forehead. His office was like a zoo.  
  
"Don't be sad Kaiba." Ishizu said, walking over to him.  
  
"How can I not? LOOK AT THESE IDIOTS!" Kaiba shouted.  
  
" I, be of the opinion, that this predicament is procuring riotous." Honda said.  
  
Shadi suddenly burst out of his fort and jumped onto Kaiba's desk. He then made a declaration for all to hear!  
  
"LET'S DO THE CHICKEN DANCE!" He shouted. THEN MUSIC FROM THE FIREY DEEPS OF HELL ENTERED THE ROOM! (Kaiba's face O.O)  
  
"What the FUCK?!?!?!" Kaiba shouted.  
  
"FUCKING SHIT! I LOVE THIS FUCKING SONG!" Everyone broke into a dance, the Chicken Dance that is! Kaiba banged his head on the desk repeatedly. He kept doing it until he felt dizzy, until his forehead began to bleed, until he fell over.  
  
Kaiba felt the outside world come back into focus slightly. He kept his eyes closed as if to keep the outside world from coming back to haunt him. He felt movement next to him. And then he someone kiss his lips. Probably Anzu again! WHY BOTHER!?! She would keep coming until she was satisfied. Then he heard someone speak.  
  
"Kaiba-boy!" Kaiba's eyes practically popped out of his forehead. He sweatdropped. "I love you." He glanced over to see PEGASUS SLEEPING NEXT TO HIM! Kaiba shouted so loud, Arch-Sorcerer Mystic in the USA paused his typing to wonder who was shouting outside. He jumped 10 feet in the air. The problem with this was his bedroom was only 8 feet high so naturally he crashed through the ceiling and fell back through his own hole. Landing on the bed again, he bounced off and was knocked to the floor.  
  
"AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"  
  
"What's wrong, sweet heart?" Pegasus asked. He then noticed his finger. A WEDDING BAND! Then he remembered Noah said Pegasus got married before he sold his company but...NO! IT COULDN'T BE! SAY IT AIN'T SO! (AN: I will not go! Turn the lights off! Carry me home!) Kaiba backed up against the wall and stared at Pegasus, his blushing...uh...groom...er...bride...bridegroom? "I can't believe you still have energy after all that sex we had." Pegasus said.  
  
That was it...The straw that broke the camel's back...  
  
Kaiba felt like he was having a seizure. His eyes twitched, his body was racked in violent shaking and he began to make strange noises in the back of his throat.  
  
That's when Kaiba's sanity snapped.  
  
UP BECAME DOWN!  
  
LEFT BECAME RIGHT!  
  
WHITE BECAME BLACK!  
  
TSUDA KENJIROU BECAME BRIAN DRUMMOND! (1)  
  
And finally his brain shut down and he fainted.  
  
The next morning the CEO woke up in his bedroom. He sat up with a shout and looked around. He checked his closet. HIS TRENCHCOATS WHERE BACK!!! And if that was true, then everything else must have fallen back into its normal order as well! Kaiba shook his head. "I wonder what happened yesterday then?" He didn't want to think about it anymore as he went about to get ready for work.  
  
In the real world, a girl began to laugh at Kaiba. She logged off her computer. "Satisfied?" she asked an elderly gentleman who stood next to her. It was none other the Sugoroku Muto, Yugi's grandfather.  
  
"Yes very much so. I think all that was enough to traumatize him for life." He said. "I finally got my revenge on Kaiba for destroying my card." He shook the young girl's hand. "I'm very happy Yugi suggested you, Ms. Elven. You did an excellent job. You where so highly recommended. I'm very pleased with the results."  
  
"All in a day's work." She replied.  
  
"And as promised."  
  
"Alright! A blackmail date with Yugi, Yami, Marik, Ryou and Otogi. It was a pleasure doing business with you." She said.  
  
"Your welcome." He said, walking out of her office door. Elven Angel Andrea cracked her knuckles and began to type once more.  
  
(VERY sorry for the long delay. I promise not to let this happen again.)  
  
FIN!  
  
Kaiba's voice actor in the Duel Monsters series was Tsuda Kenjirou. Brain Drummond is his American voice actor. 


	5. Bonus Chapter 1

BONUS CHAPTER: WHAT YOU SAY?  
  
Wonder what the hell Honda is saying in this story? Here's a translation of all his lines...  
  
Honda: Greetings Kaiba. It's in the words of one syllable 'marvelous' conditions. Do you not have the same opinion?  
  
Translation: Hey Kaiba, nice weather today, right?  
  
Honda: You demonstrate a bereaved in your vocabulary? Is something erroneous?  
  
Translation: Tongue Tied, huh? What's wrong?  
  
Honda: Now then I am obliged to abscond your presence, adieu!  
  
Translation: See ya later!  
  
Honda: Oh goodness, I hold optimism that Kaiba will be satisfactory sound tomorrow.  
  
Translation: I hope Kaiba will be okay tomorrow  
  
Honda: I impart we scrutinize his trajectory by departing in the wake of him.  
  
Translation: Let's follow him.  
  
Honda: It has become visible that our delegation has located our 'beside yourself' cohort.  
  
Translation: Looks like we found crazy Kaiba  
  
Honda: Ah! Kaiba, my cherished acquaintance. My associates have been looking ubiquitously in favor of you.  
  
Translation: Kaiba, me and gang have been looking everywhere for you  
  
Honda: Where have you subsisted for the duration of this period?  
  
Translation: Where have you been?  
  
Honda: You must observe, our delegation has sustained a state of vex. Your being has been functioning in veracity madly eccentric.  
  
Translation: We were worried about you. You've been acting really fucking weird.  
  
Honda: Kaiba you are becoming evident of the quintessence of disarray. What is irksome in relation to you?  
  
Translation: You seem upset Kaiba. What's up?  
  
Honda: Why, we anxiety-ridden for your plight of mental balance. So our assemblage expedited to audit your current state of being.  
  
Translation: We where worried about your sanity. So we came to see how you are.  
  
Honda: I, be of the opinion, that this predicament is procuring riotous  
  
Translation: It's too damn loud in here.  
  
NOTICE!  
  
I decided to do Yami next and then Anzu...after these two, it'll be up to you guys again...here are the choices  
  
Yugi  
  
Jonouchi  
  
Honda  
  
Ryou  
  
Thanks!  
  
^_^ 


End file.
